"The weights will go when your pain does."
For those who see this and their first concern is, is she alright? Yes, this is just an artistic way I can vent my excess feelings relieve myself of some of the 'weight' when it gets almost too unbearable. Now that this is done, I feel better.
Now for a little rambling.
I guess I would call this a visual representation of my empathy. Compared to the more normal stress of 'Am I a failure? Can I finish the work I have put on my plate?' My empathy.....weighs a lttle heavier than that though admittedly I will say it isnt quite as bad as when I am afraid of what others think of me. When I worry and think badly of myself, it weighs less than my empathy which weighs less than my fears. But I hide all of that behind the person you know me as; Excitable, lover of hugs, sunshines and sparkles, and whatever, maybe rude and over dramatic at times and probably, often times, narcissistic. You may add or subtrat other traits of my daily personality as you like, I dont mind or care as long as you dont hate me for my flaws.
While I can't say my outer personality works as the perfect shell to hide my insecurities, and now and then I get emotional enough to let the inner me out to sob aloud while I type slow and use more depressing words and phrases than normal...my outer personality is there for you guys, my friends, my whatever you actually are to me. When you're truly hurting and have no one else to turn to, I am there as a shoulder to cry on, as a pillow to scream into, a wall to punch and I will not hate you for it. I may be cocky when I say that I might just be a sponge to soak up what stress you feel, as much as I can, so that you feel better. I mean, in this day and age, not many people will want to sit around and listen....or read.... you complain, yell, say the worst things that your mind can create. I wish more people would sit and listen, why should friends ignore friend when they want/need help. But I do, and I do the best I can to say anything that would benefit you....which to me...I believe I'm horrible at...I'm not a genius, I cant just say E=mc2 and all your worries flush down the toilet......and I'm too timid myself to kick you in the butt and say "HEY! The problems you have are because you LET people walk all over you, so do the Fluttershy thing and say NO to the narcissist minotaur until your point is across!" While at times, someone saying that would be helpful....I'm not good at saying that to just one person(but as you see, I can say it here because I am addressing more than one person)
After saying all this, please do not stop telling me your problems if you usually would have, if suddenly everyone puts on the same front I do because they dont want ME to worry, I will only worry worse and feel guilty that you have to hold in your pain.....I mean hey, I'm venting out right here too all of you so dont you stop venting to me or the pain in my heart(symbolyzed by my attempt to draw a gunshot wound) will only worsen. I BELIEVE I am your friend. I love my friends, I dont wish any hate or harm to any of you, even people who now ignore me, talk rude to me, possibly even hate me, I still love you and I want everyone happy. When everyone is happy, the less weight I carry....I know this all sounds like I'm revolving your pain and happiness around me, and I will admit that I would LOVE to be the center of it all, but I'm only human and no human is perfect no matter how much they think they are.
I end my rambling now. I just wanted you all to know I am there if you need me, I'll endure all the pain you throw at me and I will still be there to listen.....cause honestly I'm too afraid to die, to give up and kill myself to end my sorrows....I mean...the thought of a knife on my skin......even overdosing...most people say that would be like falling asleep foreer, but how do we know it actually doesnt hurt and they cant say anything....and those that survive forgot the pain because it was that bad...I'm a paranoid girl so I wont go risking it.
To truly end on a happy note...I'll link you a song that I feel has a lot to do with what I've been saying. Many of you find comfort in philosophicalor religious or other phrases, but songs touch my heart most.